Hubby is still sober. I'm very glad about that. Never thought I'd see the day when he could go two months without a drink. Things are rough sometimes though. I had this stupid romantic idea that when he stopped drinking things would be wonderful. I think we've had more fights now than before. I can't find the right words to describe his personality. He's even more arrogant and bratty. He has an air about him that he's better than everyone because he doesn't drink anymore, because he's "helping" around the house more, there for the kids more, etc. In reality he's making everyone miserable because he's always been a my-way-or-the-highway kind of guy. I'm married to a dry drunk now.

I've been finding myself more depressed lately. The weather could be a possible culprit, but its not the only one. Why is it so hard to make friends here? I've been living in this city for almost 3 1/2 years and still have no friends. I have acquaintances but if you try to cross that boundary into friendship they run the other way. I belong to a book club that meets once a month. There's a woman in the club my age who has kids my kids age, a stay-at-home mom and we have so many other things in common. After a few meetings, I suggested we meet at the Y sometime (not too much of a commitment and she mentioned she would like a workout buddy). "Oh yeah, yeah definitely! I'll call you sometime." she said a little too eagerly and never bothered to get my phone number.

Another girl, the wife of Hubby's friend, has always been saying we should hang out. They've always been a little flaky with their plans but I took her up on it. Today we were to watch Amelie. I woke to Hubby yelling at me about this plans because that would mean he'd have to eat lunch with his co-workers (*gasp* a fate worse than death in his eyes). I had to put up a big fight and not give in to his temper tantrums. I called this morning but apparently her number was changed and I never got the new one. Her husband was not answering his phone either. Every hour I called. Hubby realizing what a bastard he was this morning (always acts but never thinks first) told me he'd try calling too and maybe I should just drive over there. At quarter till one I got Sadie and myself bundled up to drive to her house. Hubby calls me with her new number. When she answers the phone she told me her husband was getting off work at 1pm and we'd have to do it another day. Figures.

I'm so unhappy. Those two examples are not major events but they're like grains of sand that just adds to the tons already crushing me. It's the people here, it's my husband, it's the early "terrible twos" Taters is going through especially since we're weaning, it's the two miscarriages this year and the realization that I won't have any more kids, it's turning 30 in 9 months, it's the constant struggle for what little freedom I'm allowed despite putting up with years of Hubby's bullshit, it's missing my family that's gone, it's my brother who's never come to see me (not when I got married, bought a house, had a baby, or for any other reason) but will jump at the drop of a hat to go see his boyfriend's & ex-wife's family, it's everything around us is breaking down and having no money to fix it, it's the fights, it's not finding a decent job, it's the in-laws who don't care when they should and meddle when they shouldn't, it's anything and everything.

But mostly...it's me.

Hubby is an alcoholic. There's no denying it. He goes through spells of wanting to quit. But like most alcoholics who try to do it on their own he always goes back to drinking. Lately it had been getting bad. My sister moved up here after selling her house. He told me he had no problem with her staying with us for a few days to a couple of weeks until she bought a new house. But as soon as she arrived he turned into a totally different person and tried to stay away as much as possible. This included going to the neighbor's house and drinking all day long.

Sunday he left at noon, came back when his parents arrived to pick up Goldie then left again and stayed there till 10:30pm. The whole time drinking. When he finally came home for the night he tried coming into the bathroom while I was in there. I told him to wait. Then he started cussing me out, calling me every name in the book. When I came out I told him I didn't want to do this tonight. I just wanted to go to bed. He wouldn't let this happen.

Long story short, it got violent. When I tried to leave he said he was going to burn the house down with everyone in it, got a bottle of lighter fluid and proceeded to douse me in it. He then tried to drag me back to the bedroom but I slipped out of my shirt and screamed for my sister. Having heard everything, she was ready to go. She got Curly Sue, I got Taters and we all ran out to the van. We stayed the night at his parents' house.

Of course the whole night he called crying. "I'm so sorry. I promise I'll stop drinking. Please don't leave me. I can't live without you." etc. I refused to talk to him that night and the following morning. I always told him if he ever laid a hand on me, we were through. We all talked about the situation. I decided to give him one chance...provided he did the following: 

1. Not drink a single drop of alcohol for the rest of his life.
2. Get back on his medication and start going to AA (fully following the program).
3. Not put himself in a situation where he'd drink or be around people who would enable him to drink.

Even wrote out a contract that if these things (described in more detail) were not followed, our marriage would be over and had him sign it. He's going to stay at a friend's house until my sister gets her own place, which should be in a few days as her offer has been accepted. I told him that as far as I'm concerned, we're legally married but not emotionally. He broke my trust, my love and my heart. If he wants us to stay together he must prove on his own that he's changing. I will not be his keeper anymore. He has to "win" me back.

He did get back on his medication and right now is at AA. But I don't have that "okay, this time he means it" feeling in me. We'll see what happens.

Tonight, Curly Sue and I are going to Al-Anon.

"Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower." - Albert Camus


Sunday night I miscarried. I had a feeling the whole weekend it was coming. Actually all 8 weeks of pregnancy I never felt that deep connection I had with Taters. But I thought how each pregnancy is different so pushed it from my mind. Hubby was here this time so it made it a little more bearable. We both cried and hugged and snuggled with Taters, realizing even more how much of a miracle she is.

Since this is the second miscarriage since Taters was born we decided to stop trying. She's perfect and you just can't beat that. Maybe something happened to me from the c-section or maybe we're just not meant to have more children. Everything happens for a reason, even if it's not what we want at that moment. Either way, I'm fine with it. That "zen" feeling is still here so I'll say it's a gift the baby left me with.

It's already a different pregnancy from Taters'. This one I'll have to take easy. Saturday Hubby and I were working out in the garden, prepping it for winter. I was tossing the bricks we used to make a boarder into a pile and at times carried 5 bricks at once. Later that day I started to cramp a little...then spot. I wouldn't say I freaked out but I did start crying. I don't want to go through another miscarriage. The rest of the day and the following I just took it easy. Any time I'd stand up for a while or picked up even Taters I'd start to cramp again. The spotting and cramps have stopped though.

My pregnancy with Taters was very emotional and stressful. Both my parents died right after I found out I was pregnant. Hubby and I also got married and bought a house before she was born. Lots of long car rides, moving furniture and roller coaster emotions. No matter how uncomfortable or scared I was, I had to just keep on pushing through it. This time around I feel like I'm moving in slow motion, almost zen like. I can already feel my belly changing. It does feel weird with the section I can't feel due to Taters' c-section.

The Health Department says my due date is Cinco de Mayo, 2010. More than likely I'll have to go in early for another c-section due to my blood pressure. I'm a little nervous of having another one (baby and c-section) but my sister is moving up here this month and will be able to help me. That I'm very thankful for.

I hope all goes well. There's a sense of "what's meant to be is meant to be" right now.

Not too long ago, pregnancy tests were conducted on rabbits. If the rabbit died after being injected with a woman's urine she was deemed pregnant.

Hubby and I were suspecting I was pregnant. My sciatic nerve was being pinched (something I went through horribly with my pregnancy with Taters), I was breaking out, very tired, hair going curly, eating everything in site, crying over commercials, terrible gas and a few times felt nauseated. Yesterday I took a test that read two lines...pregnant.

This time around I think we're going to find out the sex when it's born. Hubby desperately wants a boy and I don't care as long as it's healthy and happy. But this is the last one; I'm getting my tubes tied. Being born to parents in their 40's, I promised myself when I was little I would not have children after 30. We're excited but I am very nervous. I just hope I give both my children the attention they need.

My due date is May 11, 2010.

I am nearing the end of my unemployed career. Right now I have so many questions, thoughts and possibilities going through my head. My husband and I talked about me going part time (hopefully with a job that would allow us to keep Taters out of child care) but as I look at the jobs out there and our bills, I don't see this happening. What to do, what to do?

Should I try to go to college?

• I may not qualify for financial aid and we don't need any more debt
• What if it turns out I do not like it or cannot handle it after so much time and money has been invested?
• What if I cannot find a job in that career?
• Which career should I go for?  A medical one considering how the government might go? Or something I've recently thought about doing like cosmetology?

Should I just suck it up and get a full time job?

• Taters would be put back into child care...not a total bad thing but something I *REALLY* want to avoid
• What if I get a job working an opposite shift from my husband...how would that effect our relationship?
• Will I feel like I'm back in the rat race?
• What if Curly Sue does end up living with us...would I be home in time for her?

Should I try for a part time job and see if we can make it?

• What would happen if we find out we can't live with my income?
• How easy would it be if I find out I have to switch to full time?
• How much more in debt could we get?
• How long could we "try it and see"?
• What will happen in the fall/winter when Hubby's job gets very sparse?

Then there's the inevitable potential for pregnancy seeing how we've using the "let's see what happens" method of birth control for the last few months. Communication is vital for a healthy relationship so I need to sit down with Hubby for a discussion.

Let's see where the wind takes me this time.

The older you get the thinner your patients become. I agreed to watch the two kids across the street during the summer. They are 7 and 5 years old and a not very well behaved (I later found out). It's really not their fault. Their parents really do not pay attention to them and they aren't consistent with their discipline. Their mom is a screamer and that was all they'd listen to at first. Then one very unruly day I told them that I don't like to yell and I refuse to so. I popped them on the butt once each and said they needed to listen to me the first time. It's starting to get better.

Today I'm watching those two kids (we'll call Boy and Girl), my two step-daughters (Blondie-10yrs and Curly Sue-7yrs) and my own daughter (Taters-11 months)...and it's raining. I have issues with Blondie that would make a post all on its own and I'm trying very hard not to loose my cool with her. Curly Sue is a very easy going but lazy kid. And Taters is a typical baby - getting into everything, screaming at the top of her voice and wanting to be with the big kids though they don't really want her around. It's only 9:45am and I'm trying to keep my sanity just till 2pm.

And people keep telling me that I should go into the babysitting profession.

I am a dumpster diver. I have no shame in that. I do not take things that I shouldn't have...like discarded mail to get personal info, etc. I like to pick up people's trash to make treasure out of it. I live behind a consignment furniture store. I can see from my kitchen window what they throw out. It actually appalls me sometimes. Why are they throwing out that perfectly good table. Is it because the leg pops out? A little wood glue would fix that. Is it because of the minor scratches on the surface? Makes it look antique-ish and if it really bothered me I could sand it out or something.

Just now I saw them throw away what looks to be a really good dinning room set with 4 chairs. Hell, I've been looking for some patio furniture! So tonight, if the garbage men don't beat me to it, I'll sneak over there and take a peak. If it's worth salvaging (yes, they do throw away some stuff that is REALLY crappy) I'll dig it out, fix whatever minor imperfections there are and stain it with water proof sealant. Hello, Home and Garden magazine!

Now if only they'd throw away a china hutch/buffet...

After giving birth and nursing a baby, my body has taken a while to get back into the "normal" routine. I use that phrase loosely as I have never been regular. I've always envied the woman who can say with certainty "I'll be starting my period on Thursday but it should be over by Monday." I neither know the day it will begin nor the day it will end. When my daughter turned 5 months, I started the cycle again. Last month was the second time. It was a month late and it lasted for a month! I thought I was going to go crazy!

My husband has been teasing me that he thinks I'm pregnant again. I actually think he might not be wrong. I have an insatiable hunger, I'm exhausted and I've been crying over everything. I also feel this in touch with womanhood feeling. A strong bond or pride of being a giver and sustainer of life. Then again, I don't think my hormones have fully adjusted. Probably doesn't help that I'm reading "The Red Tent" and have always felt I should have lived back then. Call me a hippie.

We've talked about having more children. My mother-in-law even tried to convince us we needed to start things rolling on that. My husband desperately wants a son among his three daughters. But he also wants me to have enough time to fully heal. It's been only 7 months since she was born by c-section. I'm thankful for his consideration though I keep picturing myself with a "quiver full" of children. One always in my belly, at my breast, on a hip and hiding behind my skirt. But we'll see.

You may think I'm a holy roller or a very religious person. However, you couldn't be farther from the truth. I'd consider myself a spiritual person with strong ties to nature. Take that as you will.

My house is a mess. There are dirty dishes in the sink and clean dishes in the dishwasher. Dirty clothes on the floor, none in the laundry basket and a clean load that is beyond wrinkled in the dryer. Toys, books and odd little scraps of paper litter each and every room. The dog has taken his frustrations out on the bean bag chair which is no longer a bag, never really was a chair nor contains beans. Damp and dirty coats, mittens and hats are on the floor under the coat rack. And the mess that gets under my skin the most is that my husband, the smoker, insists on ashing on the table that his ashtray sits upon. In fact, his ashes are right beside the ashtray. What ever happened to "I'll only smoke outside, honey"?? But for now I put off cleaning the family whirlwind debris to play the great which-bills-can-we-pay-with-this-check-and-which-can-we-get-away-with-not-paying-till-the-next game.

Three years ago I would never have believed you if you said this would be my life.